Bring Back The Stink

Well, with their season over now, the Dodgers can start thinking about next year and how little they'll have to offer. So, one of the things they should consider is, since Ned Stupidity has signed The Stink to a 2 year, 36 million dollar deal, and no one in their right minds, even in the Northern Independent League would take him in a trade, they may as well bring him back up and get their money's worth. Sure, he stepped in a hole recently and allegedly reinjured his knee, but so what? He's been playing a little first base in Vegas and the news is, James Loney no longer feels like playing first base, or baseball at all, for that matter. I know, James. When we get a little older, like, say, 23, 24, we start slowing down and we lose our energy and attention span.

Or maybe The Stink can spell Matt Kemp in centerfield. After all, in the Dodgers 2-1 LOSS TO THE WASHINGTON NATIONALS last night, Kemp made it clear in his last at bat that it was more about him than the team. How, you ask? Well, after the Nats' numb nuts reliever - Rivera, I believe he was called - threw a strike to pinch hitter Mark Sweeney with one out with pinch runner Pablo Ozuna on first base in the 9th inning, he walked him on 4 straight pitches. So, up walks ol' Matt - boy, does he look like he's gonna be a great ballplayer or what? - and he takes the first 2 pitches which are no where near the strike zone. The count is 2-0, tying run on second, go ahead run, (Pierre running for Sweeney) on first, one out and the pitcher has just thrown six straight balls way out of the zone and obviously can't find the plate. Little Leaguers, what do we do in this situation? Anyone? ...Hold on, there are so many 9 year olds with their hands up... yes, the little girl in the back row? ... What's that? A little louder so everyone can hear... that's right! "In that situation, you don't swing until the pitcher throws you a strike." Very good, young lady! Well, the next pitch to Matt was way up and in and... he swung and fouled it off. Ah, youth. What a cute kid that Matt Kemp is. Okay, so now the count is 2-1. The next pitch is waaaaayy outside for ball 3. The count is 3-1 and Rivera still hasn't thrown a strike in his last 8 pitches, so if you're Kemp, you're thinking... "hmmm... the game is on the line, the season is on the line, it's gotta be right over the plate if I'm gonna even THINK about swinging." Next pitch, way low and in and... HE SWINGS! Why? Because he simply doesn't know how to play baseball. 3-2 count, he then flies out weakly to center and instead of the Blue having the bases juiced with Ethier up with only one out, they have runners on 1st and 2nd with 2 outs and they lose. (Ethier would've grounded into a DP anyway because that's the Dodgers' new favorite pastime) If Joe Torre actually allows Kemp to start tonight over Juan Pierre after that at bat, I'd be shocked and disappointed. And I know I'll be shocked and disappointed because loveable Joe has no backbone.

Or maybe The Stink can come back and play instead of Ethier, since Ethier's day in the sun lasted exactly one week before he returned to abject medicority. Who knows? Maybe the Stink could even play shortstop. What a silly notion, I know. But Nomar is so awful, I'm actually hoping he gets a little tweaked again. Nothing too painful, just something - anything - to get him back out the lineup. After all, how many ground outs and tailor-made double plays to the third baseman can we expect to endure? At least when The Stink strikes out most of the time, he'll just be causing one out instead of two.

Maybe The Stink can play 2nd base, since Jeff Kent apparently retired over the weekend. Funny thing about some retirees. They just can't seem to keep making the road trips, putting on the uniform, taking their positions in the field and their turns at bat. I know The Stink can't play 2nd base, but neither can Kent, so what's the difference? In a senior moment the game before last, he allowed the Phillies' Jayson Werth to score form second on a routine grounder to second. Early onset Alzheimers? No, just not really playing anymore. Ya see, he's retried.

I think the Dodgers should not consider replacing 3rd baseman Casey Blake with The Stink because Ned Stupidity went to a lot of trouble to acquire the .240, no intensity, no power, no clue hitter from the Tribe and he did have 3 solid weeks. They say he's streaky. So are my toilet paper and my underwear at times. Like Loney, Martin, and Nomar, Blake loves to ground into DPs. Makes the games quicker so we don't have to listen to Steiner as long.

The next question is, can The Stink get behind the dish? Come on, now. That's ridiculous. Besides, we already have a great catcher coming up in Carlos Santana. He was named California Legaue Player of the... what? Oh yeah. Sorry. Forgot. We traded him to Cleveland for Blake. Nope, doesn't matter. Russell Martin is our man. He's really not that great, but, for some reason, he's our man. Ya know, his dad is a street musician from Montreal, don't you? Makes for a great story. Too bad the horn player's son is so tired and listless. Maybe he should blow Reveille and wake his ass up. Don't we have a back up catcher? (Note to self: Try not to use "we" anymore when referring to the Dodgers. It's embarrassing.)

Larry Bowa, the only one in the clubhouse who cares and also has a pulse, gave the team quite a tongue lashing the other day. Had no effect, apparently. Thanks for trying, Larry. If you want to go elsewhere, we totally understand. You'd be great in Anaheim. Or maybe you can manage the Nationals. Their young manager, Manny Acta, is as lively as a mannequin in a store window. They'd probably listen to you and actually improve. I mean, after all, they don't get to play the Dodgers every day.

Let's Roll Two! We just want to get the season over with.